The Dream Transition

I smoked not out of boredom…or habit…or addiction. It was out of a sense of loss. My world had changed…and thus, all my relationship built to this point must also change. No longer am I the K-Market’s clerk. No longer do I have a six block, functioning radius of influence, nor is my life ever going to be the same again. The task at hand is to mobilize, make change, and give hope. This is ballsy, this is hard, this is leadership.

No more can people complain to me that there are no jobs. I have jobs…lots of them. I’m connected into the system again…though it is flawed, it still provides the tools to make change in our society. It is a long road!

However, as I lift the tenth cigarette to my mouth…the Sisters Mountain Range rises to my right. It is as if most of the journey is behind me…Portland is now miles behind us. The immediate future lies ahead of us…it is Bend, it is summer, it is all the great things Central Oregon has to offer. Biking, skiing, floating, girls in thongs…it is a new life. Deschutes County is now my territory…it is mine to lead if my friends, neighbors and extended family choose to follow. That is the hard part.

I must leave a part of myself underneath the florescent green K-Market sign. It is over, it is done but my personal mythology will always run through that damn store. I built from there, I made decisions based on customer comments, it was a grand laboratory. It showed all that is good in the world and all that is equally bad.

A blip of choices made to insure my own survival. That instinct to provide shelter, food, and clothing….it was the only choice I had and I attempted to make the best of it. I only hope I’ve influence people for the better…gave hope…shared information…and provided a positive influence. This is the hard part, I will not know until months, years or decades down the road if anything good has come from the last 18 months of living on minimum wage.

It is not a minimum wage…it is indentured servitude in a capitalistic system. It does not provide for food, clothing and shelter…let alone water, electricity, heat or fun. Hard choices are faced by those who live under the rules, regulations and guidance of our current system. It is a police state bent on impoverishment instead of empowerment…F.D.R., J.F.K., and the other great ‘liberal’ leaders of the 20th century would be appalled with the legacy of Reagan, Bush, and Clinton. The great American society has crumbled through materialism and excess.

The Nightmare and the Beautiful Dream!

The difficulty lies in not what we want to do but in what we all need to do. The conundrum of my generation, how to solve the unsolvable and survive the trauma that comes with hurdling insurmountable odds. Questions abound as the world feeds us nothing but answers…it is no wonder, that as a whole, we are all confused. Where have all the questions gone? It is the insatiable, instability of life that has made us all quake with both fear and anticipation.

The nightmare and the beautiful dream exist as one.

Is it the dawn of a new beginning or the final sunset into oblivion? This is the story…of what will happen. Not what has happened! Do we share? Do we adapt? Do we conquer? Do we all make do with just the basic needs of life?

These are the questions…unfortunately the world is full of apathy and mistrust, which stand as the tools used by the kings and knights of a new order of feudal capitalism. The greed was incessant, the materialism killed the middle class, and credit was their innocuous weapon of choice. The bankers, the politicians, the business leaders all colluded and lied…not only to us but to each other. The truth is perceived as lies because it seems so unbelievable among the chaos. For too long, lies where viewed as truth and credit was viewed as real money. It was a call to arms with a patriotic duty to spend.

How do we all capture that innocence again? To make perceptions change, to invest, to have patience…will it restore faith in certain universal truths.
All I can do is search for the answers to certain unasked questions!

Contracts Be Gone

Freedom…un-encumbered, un-controlled, un-manufactured…It was a taste today. Small but sweet…months of tears, patience, and fortitude got me to this place. The odor smelled of roses, made of gumdrop mountains…and the valley below opened ahead.

So simple, yet such a step…That freedom to communicate to anyone, anywhere. No time constraints or corporate dictates to say “hi” to an old friend today. Two year contracts have gone, I am in control as the numbers sit in my hand. The question I pose, “should I call mom and dad?”

They won’t understand…the world is different now. The future is in my hand...giving me choices and letting me formulate a plan. The old ways are now gone…and my plan is all I have.

Each day I ask myself questions…What does the moment before me hold? Is it freedom or corporate serfdom? Two worlds are in my palm…I must choose. Yet, I already have.

Shifting Ground Below

Reconfigurations, recalculations, and persistence not only create but enlighten the world around us. Trepidation awaits every step…some things, are, shall we say, easy! Each step is taken carefully, with thought and anticipation while looking at the horizon of things to come. It is an unknown because even in those simple steps, the unexpected sometimes emerge from the ground below. And we are all simply, “knocked off our feet”.

Standing at the K-Market, 8 hours a day…sunrise to sunset, I have witnessed it all. The worn faces, the world weary, the idealistic youth, professional go-getters, even the rich and famous, they all come through the doors. It all stands 2 inches below my raised platform of control. Customers talk to me like an old friend, their best bud…30 seconds is what I get with them. The informal, the “Hi! How are you doing today?”…my response…always honest, always sincere, always…totally irrelevant. They smile, they nod and when the register drawer slides shut…they pack their cigarettes, turn to the door, and ignore their 30 seconds of before.

I am a momentary friend…to some, others have evolved into more. That damn store…it has become the seed that is opening future doors. The Ivy League educated, future executive has become no more than a clerk at the neighborhood store. Minimum wage prevails well below the prevailing wages of the past…the basics of life cause grey hairs tonight. Yet with each passing day, I see an end in sight.

It is out there, so I’m standing pat. Harry, Adam, Melanie…they walk in and out…Fred, David, and Josh. Bob, Alex, Kelly…buying their beer and smokes…Travis, Heather, Karen. They are all just there…it is a small sanctuary from their daily chores. To me it is hell…through those damn doors. But it is peace to them and hope is given in their sin.

The monotony of those daily conversations…it is numbing to the soul. One day, I’ll be out of those damn doors! And the future will unfold…as the ground shifts below.